Going home tomorrow 20/03/2013

Going home tomorrow. It’s such a bittersweet feeling. I’ve been looking forward to it for about a month, I won’t lie. I crave my ‘normality.’ A huge part of me just wants my old life back. I want my dogs and my walks and my course and my simplicity. I want what I know. I want my comfort zone. I miss my fireplace when it’s freezing and my amazing, amazing British comedy on TV that I miss so much. I can’t wait to have that back. But then I hate to leave…

After me and my bfs arguing got to the point where it was too much, I came to a dawning realisation. A realisation that I couldn’t do this. This life we were living, I didn’t want it. I don’t want to live in America. I don’t want to get married or even engaged at this age. I don’t want to argue endlessly day in day out anymore. Oh my god, I thought, I just can’t do this. And I broke up with him and waited for the day when I could return home and forget all this ever happened.

My bf assumed, like the dozens of times I’ve split up with him that I was merely just being annoyed and it was an empty break up, within the day we would be back together. But it wasn’t. Something changed. And it still hasn’t reverted back. This day has been coming for a while now, with each day getting more and more difficult. He knows that when I leave, chances are extremely high that I won’t come back. We’ve talked about him coming to see me in a month or so for a couple of weeks, but as friends, and it’s not enough.

He wonders how I can be content with us just being friends. I’m not. But I know we can’t be anything more. Even friends is a push. Nobody wants to watch the other one move on… It’s a gutting reality that if we don’t get back together, we will simply stop talking and that will be it. All over.

He can’t take it. I’ve watched him cry a dozen times over. It’s the hardest thing in the world. I hate when he cuddles me and I can just feel that he loves me so much. And when he asks me in almost a 5 years old voice not to leave him, I don’t know what to do. I still love him so much. It feels like I always will. It hurts me to think that one day these feelings might fade away like feelings do. Sometimes I stop and look at him. How can I leave him? It doesn’t make sense. This guy is fucking gorgeous and amazing. He is the man I could only ever dream of being with. He’s the most attractive guy I’ve ever seen, and that’s not even me being biased, it blows my mind when he says that he’s attracted to me. Me the ugly girl at school. What?? It should be him leaving me. And he’s been with so many people, and he’s told me when we met that he’s never met anyone that he’s wanted to settle down with forever, he gets bored with girls. And now here is that same guy, crying over the thought of me leaving him. How did it happen that I became the one for him? He’s too good for me. It doesn’t make sense. Why am I leaving him? How on earth is this relationship not right?! I don’t know how to cope. Because I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want us to be over, but it simply is. I can’t live here, he can’t live there, we can’t keep arguing, I can’t do this anymore. And so when tomorrow rolls around and we’re both standing in the airport, I have no idea how I am going to keep it together. I hold vain hope that being in public will prevent me from showing emotion but I am tragically weak. Because we know it might be the last time we ever see each other again. If he starts crying, I will lose it. It’s going to be a very lonely, very depressing 8 hour journey back home.

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