It’s currently 3am in America. Or 8am in English time as it says on my desktop. My boyfriend will be home in an hour. I’ve been home alone since 6pm. I hate being home alone. It makes me misreble. Whenever I find time alone to myself I always think about depressing things.
Lately, I’ve had this niggling feeling that he is cheating on me. I know he can’t be, as I can’t possibly think of a time when he could get out the house to go cheat. But regardless, he’s cheated before by talking and flirting with girls online and I often wonder what he’s hiding on his phone. I’ve been thinking lately about taking it while he’s asleep and having a look through. I don’t know what I’m scared of – him finding out I looked through it or finding out he IS cheating. I dread finding out that he is. My whole world would come crashing down again like it did the first time I found out he cheated. But sadly, I know he’s the cheating type. I don’t know if a lepoard can change their spots, or whatever the phrase is, all I know is he says I’m the one person he’s ever loved the most, and I believe him when he says that, because he proposed to me. I know he loves me a lot, but will that stop him from wanting to cheat on me? Our relationship seems to always be on rocky ground, will that make him cheat? When he’s suspicious of my actions and what I may be doing when he’s not looking, is that cover up for what he’s actually doing? When I playfully take his phone and pretend to look through it and he takes it back is he just playing along? Annoyed I’ve taken it? Or is he worried about me finding something out? That innocent text message I saw he sent to a random number, was it just a mistake? Or had he deleted all previous text messages because it was to a woman he was flirting with and didn’t want me to see? There’s so many questions just floating in my mind. It’s terrorizing me. It’s destroying me.
While he’s away, I look through his things sometimes, half heartidly looking for something to upset me. He has a CD in his filing cabinet. There’s no label on it, no nothing. He’s obviously keeping it for a reason, it can’t just be blank. Is there something bad on it? Why would he keep it on top of everything where I could so easily find it though if it was? Ah, my paranoid mind. This is what happens when you cheat on someone, they can just never trust again. When I found out he cheated I found out I didn’t know him at all. And that doubt still lingers in my mind to this day.
I don’t want to confront him. Because if I did he will obviously deny it and delete anything on his phone just in case. I guess I’ll take his phone one night… I’ll just have to gain some courage first.
I’m sat here now just with some alcohol on the side. I don’t think I could ever become alcoholic. Although I do seem to turn to it when I’m stressed out. Mainly I drink to get drunk. It can be fun to just be a bit giggly for a while, make things seem bubbly and harmless. Alcohol doesn’t taste good enough for me to become alcoholic I don’t think. Even the best tasting drinks I can only tolerate. I’ve inherited my mother’s built in anti-alcoholic device – the instant headache, too. Which is natures best deterrent.
Thinking about all this just makes me realise there’s so much I can’t talk to my boyfriend about. He’s the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with and our relationship seems so jagged. Sometimes he’s like a complete stranger to me. I shouldn’t mention ex boyfriends but my last boyfriend I could tell anything to, we had a really great relationship but I just stopped loving him. It’s not that it didn’t work it just.. didn’t work out. My boyfriend I know is the one for me but our relationship feels like it’s not working. It’s so weird and difficult to be in this situation. With a man I love so deeply but can’t express my thoughts to. I know it’s because we argue so much, everything turns into a argument. We need to improve our relationship, be honest and open with each other before we can get anywhere. I hate staring at my engagement ring on the side table. I haven’t stopped to think if I don’t wear it anymore because it’s a bit too big and annoys me or if it’s because I don’t want this engagement.
I want this man in my life so much, but without trust and an ability to talk to one another, what do we have? Who knows… I can’t wait till he comes home and I can hopefully stop dwelling on this depressing stuff, just go back to normal for a few hours.
Ricky Gervais makes a joke in my favourite podcast “The Ricky Gervais Show” about Karl Pilkington’s girlfriend leaving him “shiny objects” around the house in her absense so he doesn’t get too depressed and think “weird stuff.” I think I need that!